CATMAN AND THE ATTACK OF THE GOVERNMENT ZOMBIES or
INSIDE THE NATIONAL SECURITY AGENCY MATRIX
And now, the Kitty Mafia Art Worx is proud to present the
latest, revised edition of CATMAN COMIX: CATMAN AND THE ATTACK
OF THE GOVERNMENT ZOMBIES or INSIDE THE NATIONAL SECURITY AGENCY MATRIX. This story first appeared as a serial in August through September of 2013 and was the first major Catman story ever. We've updated the pictures, narrative and dialogue as best we can and present it now for your enjoyment. Oh, and this was also the first appearance of Catman's assistant, Professor Nuts. If you are looking for Super Sumie, she wasn't part of the team at this time, so don't expect to finder her here.
— Disturbed by news that not only Facebook but also the U.S. National
Security Agency (NSA) is spying on not only good American citizens, mining
their personal data, reading their emails and twits (or is that tweets? Twitters?
Whatever!), as well as their personal information (from what they had for
breakfast to the condition of their cats box), but also good people around the
world, our intrepid crusader Catman, flying, flea-bitten, feline fighter for
truth, justice, transparency, and cheaper tuna, flies to Washington D.C. in an
effort to investigate this travesty and to put a permanent stop to it.
His aerial patrol takes him over Fort Meade,
Maryland, the home of the NSA (which also stands for “Nasty Spying Assholes,” and
if the government is asked, “No Such Agency”). He spots his target, takes out
his side-handled cats-paw tonfa, a weapon which proved very effective in
defeating the insidious “Orangeman,” and swoops in for a closer look.
Suddenly doors on the roof open up and a huge antenna
appears; one which shoots a powerful green beam at him — one that he cannot
escape as it draws him closer and closer to the NSA. Is it some trick of the
former “Orangeman,” now “Greenman,” who suffers from chronic cat scratch fever?
Is it the “Bush Beam of Doom”? Is it the dreaded “Rumsfeld Ray”? What will
happen to our hero? Is this the end of Catman, even before the adventure even
gets going? Will the world ever be safe for democracy? Will the price of tuna
ever go down? Stay tuned for the answer to these questions and more that I
haven't thought of yet!
«««««
Catman is trapped in the deadly “Bush Beam of Doom,” more
commonly called the “Rumsfeld Ray,” and is quickly being drawn into a vortex of
green energy that leads somewhere into the depths of the NSA (Notorious Spy
Agency) — there is no escape!
He continues to descend into the very bowels of the ultra-secret,
ultra-powerful rogue federal agency through its electronic mouth, down its
esophagus, quickly passing through its stomach and into its super-secret,
super-corrupt intestines, plummeting ever-downward towards its mysterious lower
reaches — its large intestine and cryptic colon!
Catman’s descent into the depths of the National Security
Agency continues, although his pace slows and shapes start to become more
distinct. However, a new sense of urgency arises!
It was a close call, and merely by some quirk of fate was
Catman able to avoid a costume change!
With that crisis solved, he sets off to explore the NSA in
the hopes of discovering its secrets, putting an end to its covert surveillance
and clandestine stripping away of democracy —and then getting the hell out of
there!
Suddenly, through the shadows, our hero first senses and then
sees a strange form approaching him! Is this some doomsday machine? Is it some
malevolent minion of the NASTY SPY AGENCY? Nope — just turns out to be an
automated plumber on its way to fix a toilet down the corridor that is
overflowing.
Catman moves down the hallway and then suddenly sees a
human-like form appear at the far end. He tries to get the figure’s attention.
Just when Catman thinks he sees a “light at the end of the
tunnel,” he discovers that the light is a “freight train coming the other way.”
He suddenly himself face-to-face with the “face” of the NSA. Is this the end of
Catman? Has our intrepid furry feline finally met his match?
«««««
It’s none other than the insidious Agent Smiff! As if things couldn’t
get any worse (worser?) they still manage to. Not only is there one Agent Smiff,
there are several of them ~ maybe hundreds ~ maybe thousands! Yikes! But that’s
not the end of the terror. Suddenly, familiar though altered faces of the past
appear — zombies — zombies from the leadership of the previous administration
that gave birth to the NSA!
«««««
Well, when we left Catman last time, he was in a real pickle,
surrounded by numerous “Agent Smiffs,” and zombies from the past administration
that gave birth (not to mention billions upon billions of dollars) to the NSA.
It certainly looks bleak for our caped crusader. Has he met his match? Is this
the end of Catman? (Alright, alright, I can hear some of you shouting “Just get
it over with!!!” — ain’t goin’ ta happen). Catman reaches underneath his cape,
into a secret pocket and removes what might be his last hope — his trusty Agent
CD Grenade. (Agent CD is, to put it simply, military grade cat dander,
guaranteed to cause coughing, sneezing, itching, and swelling sufficient to
disable any enemy...living enemy...how it will work on zombies and Agent Smiff
we don’t know). Catman closes his eyes, pulls the pin, tosses it into the air,
and makes his escape!
Catman runs down a long, mysterious corridor, through a door,
and into the very heart of the NSA — bank upon bank of computer servers,
constantly listening to everything we do or say on our phones and the internet.
It looks like he’s safe for the minute, when perhaps the one
remaining Agent Smiff appears behind him!
But Catman doesn’t stop and continues his escape, running and
flying this way and that. When he thinks he might be safe for a moment he stops
and takes his last three weapons from beneath his cape — his C.P grenade
(militarized essence of cats box, which doesn’t explode so much as it coats
everything in a thick layer of odoriferous essence of cat box) — no body will
want to touch let alone be anywhere near these servers; his jalapeno grenade,
so hot it can melt steel, and his takoyaki - a fried pastry filled with
extremely hot ground beef and chili sauce which Catman was saving for his
lunch.
The jalapeno grenade is first!
Then the insidious yellow C.P. grenade! It will be years
before anyone will even come close to these servers — they’ll probably will
just be thrown out...you know how that works!
The CP grenade detonates with a loud "whissshhh"
spreading its horrible, sticky stench! There’s no protection against it!
Catman then drops his last weapon — his lunch — his tacoyaki —
he really was kind of looking forward to a snack later!
The tacoyaki lands on the floor but nothing happens
immediately. Like most spicy food, it kind of sits there just getting hotter
and hotter until at last....
Catman continues on, through another door and out into a
typical U.S. government, civil service, hallway. Suddenly he spots something
that he had not expected — something that might be his ticket out of the NSA —
what is perhaps the last remaining telephone booth in America! Stay tuned, same
cat time, same cat channel to see what happens!
«««««
When we last left our
intrepid hero Catman, he was fleeing for his life, but might have found the one
thing that could possibly save his life — what is perhaps the last phone booth
in America. He reaches for his ultra-over-priced iPhone (hardly worth it) but
realizes that to use it will lead the NSA agents right to him. He reaches
underneath his cape for his utility belt (all superheroes have utility belts)
and opens a pouch specially designed to hold spare change — not enough for a
long-distance call to San Francisco. What will he do? What will he do?
Catman hastily dials the super-extra-secret 800
number that can get him to safety. WRONG NUMBER! Our hero, not prone to profanity,
curses!
Undaunted, although a little pissed with AT
& T, Catman redials the super-secret 800 number to his secret lair and to
Professor Nuts at Mission Control.
Our hero, usually the quiet type, feels the
pressure and yells into the phone at his assistant who has been monitoring (we
hope) Catman's activities on a vast computer array.
Suddenly, our furry, flea-bitten friend’s
conversation with Professor Nuts is interrupted by a familiar but at the same
time rather ridiculous voice. He turns just in time to see Agent Smiff (or an
Agent Smiff) materialize right before his eyes in the matrix.
The gauntlet is thrown down — Catman’s
superiority over Agent Smiff’s dark programming.
In the meantime, back at Catman Central Control
(CCC), knowing that seconds may mean the difference between life and death for
the Caped Crusader, Professor Nuts tries to locate the proper “app” for
superhero retrieval and frantically tries to come up with the correct algorithm
to make it work. Smiff pulls the hammer of his pistol back with a loud click
and aims at Catman. Is this the end of Catman? Well...is it? I haven’t decided
yet, but probably not — so stay tuned — same cat time, same cat channel for the
amazing conclusion to our saga!
«««««
And now boys and girls, it's time for the
amazing, thrilling, bite your nails, conclusion of Catman’s fight for truth,
justice, and cheaper tuna, against the evil rogue government agency known as
the NSA — NASTY SPY AGENCY who has been spying on Americans and foreign
countries alike!
Cornered by Agent Smiff, our intrepid feline
hero has no choice but to “go for broke.” He reaches under his cape to his
utility belt and draws out his ultimate-ultimate weapon. Being the sensitive
sort that he is, he abhors the use of deadly force. What he does have is his
trusty Wather SS 44. magnum mini-cat gun, designed by Professor Nuts, which
shoots a special breed of micro mini-cats, not quite nano-cats but almost,
which are fired by spring action, fly to their target, scratch and bite, then
return safely to their point of origin for reuse after a bit of tuna.
Catman is defiant as always in the face of
doom, refusing to give up.
Which suits Agent Smiff just fine. He fires the
first shot!
Bullets whiz past Catman’s head as his “micro-cats”
find their mark on the face of the NSA —Agent Smiff.
Just as the list micro mini-cat makes its way
safely back to Catman, Professor Nut’s app kicks in. There is nothing left but
a phone, as Catman makes his escape!
Back in San Francisco, in Catman’s private,
super-secret apartment located conveniently at the corner of Chestnut and Hyde
Streets on the second floor, a worried Professor Nuts looks after the
exhausted, traumatized Catman. Was it all just a terrible dream? Some strange
fantasy?
Only Catman knows the truth! Or does he?
CATMAN AND THE ATTACK
OF THE GOVERNMENT ZOMBIES or INSIDE THE NATIONAL SECURITY AGENCY MATRIX. ©
Copyright 2013 and 2014 by CATMAN
COMIX™, the KITTY MAFIA ART WORX™, Hayato Tokugawa and Aoi Tokugawa. All rights
reserved.
